Premier League Review - Gameweek 13

Game of the weekend

Chelsea 0-0 Manchester City

What do you get when the two most expensive line ups in the country go head to head?……………..
You get nothing. Ninety minutes of mind numbingly dull, negative and uninspiring football. The days of big clubs playing out dull goalless affairs was a thing of the past.
However, with the return of one of its founder members in Rafael Benitez, back it came as Chelsea and Manchester City fired blanks at Stamford Bridge. It was just like the old days with Chelsea (under Mourinho) and Liverpool (under Benitez).
The most interesting incidents took place in the crowd as Chelsea fans made their feelings towards this weeks managerial changes, abundantly clear. Rafael Benitez is not a popular man in South-West London but perhaps Chelsea fans should direct their anger not towards Benitez but towards the man who hired him.
Will Chelsea stand up against Roman and his unpopular decisions? The likelihood is no, because this is the price Chelsea fans paid the day they welcomed Romans money with open arms. Chelsea fans no longer have a say, they no longer have a voice. To act outraged when managers gets the chop, only to then bask in the glory of success that Roman has paid for, leaves very little room for sympathy for the ‘unhappy’ voices at Chelsea.

Swansea 0-0 Liverpool
A far more entertaining goalless draw in South-Wales, as Brendan Rodgers’ return to Swansea ended in a stalemate. For Liverpool it was business as usual, a week after a rare victory over Wigan it was back to the drawing board, literally. Liverpool are yet to understand the objective of football is to actually win games.

Same old, same old for Manchester United as they deliberately sent out an unbalanced side against winless QPR. This lead to United deliberately playing poorly. This was followed by United deliberately falling behind, before deliberately bringing on players who should have started and then deliberately turning the game around and winning 3-1.
The big news though, came from the stands, as Harry Redknapp watched his new QPR side for the very first time. Mark Hughes sacked on Friday and not given the opportunity to fail to win yet another Premier League game.

Last week, I may have done Aston Villa a disservice, in fact, the last two weeks. Despite Arsenal being a long way from their best, Aston Villa put up a fantastic effort to take a point from the misfiring Gooners. Not only that but the Villa Park crowd found their voice again and it’s looking like things can get better for Paul Lambert’s side.

Best of the Rest
There are three things certain at the start of every Premier League season. ONE - Stoke City will somehow eclipse the horrendous football they played the previous season. TWO - Arsenal will sell and sign several midfielders and THREE - Jermaine Defoe will score against West Ham. The Hammers arch tormenter was on target twice as Tottenham bounced back from their 5-2 defeat to Arsenal to secure three points against his old club.
Alan Pardew’s eight year deal continues to look good business as Newcastle lost for a third league game in a row, this time to former club Southampton. Wigan won the relegation six pointer with Reading, whilst West Brom’s march continued with a win at Martin O’Neills woeful Sunderland. Everton continued their winless run with a draw at home to Norwich and finally Stoke beat Fulham 1-0 in a game that may or may not have taken place (I’ll get to that later).


Too Good Too Bad

Arsene Wenger Big Massive Coat Watch
Every week Arsene Wenger can be spotted on the touchline in a comical and ridiculously large coat. This week it looked as if Arsene Wenger just went ahead and wore himself a sleeping bag. Sooner rather than later expect Arsene Wenger to completely disappear into his coat, leaving Arsenal with no other option than to appoint Pierce Morgan as their new Manager.

Stoke City Home Game Dejavu 

Ever noticed how every single Stoke City home game ends in a 1-1 draw or 1-0 home win with Stoke scoring the exact same goal each and every time? (you know the goal, a big tall player takes a throw, another big tall player heads it on, then another big tall player drags an opposition player to the ground whilst simultaneously bundling the ball into the net) Well it’s because Stoke City haven’t actually played a home game since August 2010. After the 2009/2010 season, Premier League clubs became so disillusioned by facing Stoke at the Brittania that they all refused to further fulfil the fixture.
Therefore, for the past three seasons Stoke City haven’t actually played any home games, TV cameras have simply replayed fixtures from the 2009/2010 season. This is why every Stoke City home game is exactly the same. To not arouse suspicion, TV cameras occasionally, through CGI, crop in random goals. This explains why Peter Crouch was seen scoring a volley from 30 yards against Manchester City last season. This goal did not actually take place.

Joey Barton French Accent Watch 

Following in the footsteps of Schteve McLaren, Scouse bad boy Joey Barton took to a French interview this week….by speaking in a weird Scouse/French accent. As if the Scouse accent isn’t excruciating enough, Saint Joey decided to add some ‘je ne sais quoi’, if you haven’t heard it yet I suggest you go and do so. Next week look out for David Beckham ‘tawking like a hillbilly’.

Premier League Review - Gameweek 12

Game of the weekend

Only one place to begin - the North London Derby as Arsenal hosted Tottenham in the early Saturday kick off.
As customary with these two clubs, self destruct was on red alert and it took just 19 minutes for self destruct to strike again. Emmanuel Adebayor the sinner, as after scoring a goal and doing a weird dance, then attempted to decapitate Santi Cazorla. This decapitation attempt failed, Adebayor was sent off and Santi Cazorla inspired Arsenal to a comeback. Arsenal being Arsenal attempted to throw it all away. Firstly, by allowing Cristiano Ronaldo impressionist - Gareth Bale to score a Cristiano Ronaldo like goal. This was then followed by some dreadful defending which should have resulted in Jermaine Defoe scoring a tap in from a Bale cross. However Gareth Bale, continuing in his Cristiano Ronaldo impressionist mode, instead went for the glory, took a shot and dragged the ball wide.
Despite some odd time wasting from Wojciech Szczesny and a few more glaring misses by Oliver Giroud, Theo Walcott eventually settled the nerves by scoring his 100th career goal against Spurs.
The real Aston Villa returned this week, just seven days after impersonating a half decent side, they were back to their woeful best as they were beaten 5-0 by Manchester City. The game however, will be mostly remembered for one of the strangest things to ever happen during a football match. 
At 1-0 to Manchester City with 50 minutes gone, assistant referee - Adrian Holmes, randomly brought the game to a halt and seemingly awarded Manchester City a penalty for no apparent reason. When asked about why he had awarded the penalty, Adrian Holmes simply replied “Was bored and I needed fantasy football points for Aguero”. The lack of media hysteria in light of such a decision can be attributed to the fact it didn’t involve Manchester United.

Moving onto the red half of Manchester, United suffered their third league defeat of the campaign as they went down to Norwich at Carrow Road. 
In truth neither side deserved to win what was an incredibly poor game, of course Norwich will take plaudits as the underdog but their win consisted largely of just ‘trying really hard’. A simple tactic, that seems to be the key to beating a modern day United side, a side which nowadays think by merely walking onto the field, the three points will automatically present themselves. 
This however does not apply when United face either Chelsea or Arsenal or fall 2-0 behind, when either of these three things happen United suddenly remember to start playing again.

West Brom 1-0 Chelsea. As it goes with every single Chelsea season. Chelsea start the campaign with ten straight victories, these victories largely consist of 4-0 home wins over Reading , Wigan and Accrington Stanley. This then leads to every bookmaker in the country declaring Chelsea as Champions. Around mid-October when Chelsea suddenly start facing the half decent teams, poor results follow and thus begins a slide down the table. This is followed by the realisation that Chelsea will in actual fact, not end the season as Champions. That being said, credit to Steve Clarke and West Brom who continued their terrific start to the season. 

El Sackico
Q.P.R have developed a terrific habit of never winning, so as expected - failed to win this weekends relegation crunch match. Southampton took the three points and Nigel Adkins pulled clear of Mark Hughes in the Premier League sack race. 
On the final day of last season Q.P.R failed to maintain the dignity of the Premier League by surrendering two injury time goals to Manchester City, which led to City winning the league title. This failure to maintain dignity can be attributed to the fact QPR had found out they were safe from relegation, just moments before they’d lay down for Manchester City. What followed was Mark Hughes declaring that Q.P.R would “never be in that situation under him again”. With zero wins from twelve games and a trip to Old Trafford next weekend, Mark Hughes’s curtain call may come in the most ironic manner.


Best of the rest
Luis Suarez was in the goals again as Liverpool won for only the fourth time at home in 2012. A welcomed victory over Wigan for a side who’ve managed to go seven league games unbeaten yet somehow remain in the exact same league position.
Reading got their first win of the season as they surprised everyone, including themselves, with a 2-1 win over Everton.
Newcastle’s slide continued as they were beaten at home by Swansea, whilst Sunderland scored more than a goal in a game for the first time this century as they beat Fulham 3-1. West Ham and Stoke played out a passing exhibition on Monday night. Not really of course, what really happened was that someone took a throw in, someone headed it on and someone really tall, tapped the ball in. The game ended 1-1.

Too Good Too Bad

Mikel Arteta Invincibility watch
At some point in August after selling Alex Song the holding midfielder, Arsene Wenger decided the perfect replacement for Song, would be a player (Mikel Arteta) incapable of playing as a holding midfielder. Mikel Arteta lacks the required abilities to efficiently play in the role and what has followed is three months of invincible Mikel Arteta performances. 
This has led to a bizarre case where most people now watch an Arsenal game forgetting Arteta plays for Arsenal...whilst he’s playing for Arsenal. They then spend the rest of the week remembering Arteta plays for Arsenal...whilst not watching him play for Arsenal.
This however did change last week, when Arteta took a break from his invincibility by attempting and successfully sabotaging Arsenal in their home game with Fulham.

Luis Suarez
It seems that when taking time out from diving, cheating, and being racist, Luis Suarez is  quite unplayable and almost, I said almost, likeable. When I say unplayable, I don’t mean Andy Carroll-win headers- hold up ball- not score any goals - unplayable. I mean unplayable as in -score lots of goals-show off lots of skills-win games for your team - unplayable. He’s also taken a month off from furiously appealing for penalties. For those unaware of this phenomenon, back in the old days, Luis Suarez would appeal for a penalty by furiously using his right hand to slap his left forearm in reference to an imaginary handball that the opposition had committed in their penalty area.

The Undroppable
Ashley Young has developed a special power, this special power is known as Undroppable. This power largely consists of continually putting in poor performances for both club and country, yet miraculously still being picked by both club and country. I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for anyone whose allegiances lie with both England and Manchester United.

Pointless International friendlies watch
On Wednesday night England and Sweden played out their yearly pointless friendly fixture, the game will be remembered for a sensational Zlatan Ibrahimovic goal. What has followed however (judging by the all round hysterical reaction) is a world where Zlatan Ibrahimovic in actual fact not only scored four against England but also scored several Champions League Final winning goals.
According to many Zlatan is now a big game player, should win the Ballon d’Or and will most likely cure cancer.

Premier League Review - Gameweek 11

Another unpredictable weekend in the Premier League has passed, in reality, it wasn't unpredictable at all. North London's finest self destructed  again, Manchester's finest produced comebacks, Liverpool drew, Wigan lost a game they should have won, a week after winning a game they should have lost, and finally Reading, Sunderland and QPR all failed to win... AGAIN! All rather predictable if you ask me.

N.L.B (North London Bottlers) - Arsenal surpassed themselves this week by managing to 'bottle it' three times in one match. Fulham were the visitors as Arsenal let a two goal lead slip, fell behind and then conspired to miss a last minute penalty. Bravo Arsenal, you really have outdone yourselves this week.
Not to be upstaged by their North London rivals, Tottenham delivered their annual Manchester cave in, except this time the venue wasn't Old Trafford, it was the Etihad. Of course earlier this season, Tottenham mistakenly saw through the game at Old Trafford but it was business as usual this time round.
The only thing more predictable than Spurs taking and throwing away a lead at the Etihad, was Eden Dzeko coming off the bench and scoring against Spurs, yet again.
The two North London clubs go head to head next weekend. Expect both sides to at some point, take the lead, throw it away, take it back and then throw it away again.

Having killed two birds with one stone, we move onto the red half of Manchester. On Saturday at tea-time the Red Devils launched their weekly episodic version of  'comeback against a team they shouldn't have fallen behind to in the first place'. This time the victims were Aston Villa, a side whose players haven't even heard of themselves. Whilst United will gain deserved acclaim for their comeback, they were made to look distinctly average by arguably the worse Villa side in recent memory.

Game of the week - Chelsea Vs. Liverpool. Big brave John Terry made his long awaited return to the Chelsea side....and scored....and then got injured....by fellow racist abuse victim Luis Suarez....who also scored....and then celebrated....by himself.
Now Brendan Rodgers is an intelligent manager, so surely he'd have done his background checks on Chelsea and taken note of their  frailties when defending wide areas. Despite this, Liverpool lined up with a strange 5-3-2 formation which offered little width. This of course lead to Liverpool being completely useless for 45 minutes and trailing 1-0 at half time.
For the second half, Raheem Sterling was moved to the right wing, Suso was brought on in place of Mr. Invincible - Nuri Sahin, Jose Enrique was pushed further forward and lo and behold Liverpool saw more of the game and ultimately left with a deserved point.

Best of the Rest - After winning at White Hart Lane last weekend, it was no surprise to see Wigan crumble to a disappointing home defeat to West Brom. That is their motto. Next weekend they go to Anfield, expect them to win this game before following it up with a crushing home defeat to Reading the following weekend.
Speaking of Reading -  themselves, Q.P.R and Sunderland continued their weekly three horse race of trying very hard to NOT win a game. QPR currently lead this race on goal difference. Mainly thanks to Adel Taarabts ability to repeatedly miss clear cut chances.

Too Good Too Bad

Luis Suarez - After equalizing against Chelsea, Luis Suarez raced to the corner flag to celebrate his goal. Upon turning around, Suarez was horrified to see that no other Liverpool player had joined in his celebration, the look on his face.....priceless!

Leeds 1-6 Watford - Not Premier League related but the 'sort of' once mighty Leeds United, fell to a crushing 6-1 home defeat to Italian minnows Watford. Luckily only 17 Leeds fans had bothered to turn up to watch the game.

Mikel Arteta - A week after his invincible performance against Manchester United, Mikel Arteta both gave away and missed a penalty, how terribly unfortunate. That Spain call up is back on the ropes.